you're such a wanker!

I was laying in bed the other night, tossing and turning in a fit of caffeine-withdrawal and general pissiness induced insomnia, and I had a thought. "You know, thank God for the "Send Later" feature on AOL mail." That feature has saved me much embarrasment, and has gone a good way towards the ultimate goal of making me look far less pathetic than I really am. Simply put, those 3am missives you sometimes just have to write look terribly sad and pitiable in the cold light of day, and make far less sense to send than they did five hours previously. Now if I was using my other mail programs, such as mail.com, or yahoo, or hotmail, it would just be "Bink! Your mail has been sent to bigfatjerk@i'maloser.com"(in a Strongbad voice, no less), or some such variation of that.Now, I roll out of bed, read what seemed to be me telling someone they're a moron in eloquent terms, and click another button, and instead, hear Homestar gleefully announcing "Baleted!"(Is it sad that I hear cartoons in my head? Probably) Because seriously, a few times I've gone with that first instinct to let people know exactly how I'm feeling when I'm feeling it, and it's just never worked out for the best. But I have found some other ways to take out my aggression. Some of you might have seen my away message the other night. "Fuck you and the horse you rode in on. Really. Fuck you" That made me feel really good in a passive-aggressive way. You have to read that with a lot of vehemence behind it, really put some force behind the second "Fuck you". Maybe add a hand gesture, maybe point a finger at whoever you're talking about(or your computer screen, or maybe the mirror, wherever you happen to talk to yourself), and a snarly face. And a decisive nod when you're done speaking. Ahhh. That feels good. Another good passive aggressive angry remark would be, "But what the FUCK were you thinking? What the hell was going through your mind?"And then assume a teacherly, waiting-for-an-answer demeanor. Make sure there is scorn written on your face. Maybe cross your arms and smirk. I find this works well with freshmen, and people who have misunderestimated you and your intelligence. (misunderestimated being a brand new conjuction consisting of misunderstood and underestimated, and meaning "when you are evaluated as a complete and total mental midget)There's a few more. There are certain people I would love to scoff at and call a wanker. As in "Man, you think you're hot shit, but you're just a wanker". (I just snorted by the way, cause that word is FUNNY).Sometimes vulgarity just can't express the true depth of the emotions, and I've found that a well-articulated "Jerk!" when spat with the right amount of vehemence, can be just as scathing as anything else. Anyway, I was reading one of my well-composed letters this morning to someone who really pissed me off, and I realized that a wonderful summary would be:Dear so-and-so,I thought you were cool. But really, you're just a big fat wanker. I'd love to know what the FUCK was going through your mind, and what made you think I was dumb enough to fall for it. In closing, fuck you, man. Really. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on. Jerk. Sincerely,Someone who's much smarter than you think And just like that, aah. Most of my aggression is gone. "Send later" or blogging to me is sort of the typed equivalent of counting to 10.Besides, I've found that my insults are much more scathing when read, seeing how in an argument, I tend to stutter, lose my train of thought, and make statements that make zero sense. I also can't string together a cohesive insult on the fly, most of the time. Whenever I try, I'm reminded of the argument my ex and I got into, when he got so splutteringly, ragingly angry at me that he pointed at me and yelled "You know what? You're such a .. such a... you're such a head!!!" Mental midget. True, he did call me the antichrist once, a good insult, but probably a bit over the top. (Note to self: calling someone a "head" in the heat of an argument just tends to make them laugh. )Anyhow. It's WAY more fun to write entries like this. Heh. Words I want to start using more often include snarky, sassy and wanker. By the way, telling someone they "think they're hot shit" is far more amusing than you might think.

off t...

off topic here briefly - if you've been IMing me on Yahoo(since oh, December), I finally got all those messages today - I haven't been ignoring you! Trillian just sucks and ate all my messages... but I think I've got it figured out now ;)~~So I went to hang out with Scott tonight. If you're in the loop, you know Scott is my sexy fireman, and we've been talking about having sex forever. and I drove out to his place, which is about 20 minutes from me, minus the scenic tour through the airport I always manage to take. For the past two weeks, we've been talking about it. Like, "the next time I see you, I'm fucking your brains out!", and we've gotten each other all psyched up for it, like a coach before the big game. We've been pep talking each other about how good it's gonna be, and how we can't wait. I get to his house and park my car, he meets me at the door, and we're all over each other. Standing in the entryway, he picks me up and leans on the wall and we're humping each other, making out, I'm tearing his clothes off. You've got to understand that it was frenzied, like "i need you naked, right NOW".We somehow make it to his room and slam the door, completely giving up on getting undressed, he just pulls his sweatpants down and my jeans half off, hanging on one leg, and gets a condom. So it's like, "Yes! Finally!", and he's on top of me, and forces his way inside, because boys, let me tell you, it's all about the girth. And, oh my God, it was good. He's on top of me, his face in my neck, my legs around his waist, my hips meeting his thrusts, and it's just starting to get really really impossibly good, like, I'm going to start scratching his back and calling his name soon, and he moans in my ear. And moans again. And I'm thinking... "nah.. he's just into it."And then he pulls out, and I look down, and my jaw probably dropped. And he rolls over and smiles and asks, "wasn't that fun?" and my wiseass comment was "uh, that was quick". (less than 5 minutes) So he laughs and says it's been awhile, tells me to lay down, he'll be ready again in a few minutes, and that time it'll be way better. So I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, and do just that, and we cuddle into his bed. He gets hard within a few minutes and pulls me on top of him, and he starts to slip inside me again, his beeper goes off. His work beeper. And would you believe he had the nerve to go to work? ;)

So much for cutting out caffeine from my diet ;)

Okay, in my ill begotten post last night, I mentioned a roadtrip that included drinking vast quantities of this: "Manhattan Special Espresso Soda" It's produced by a Brooklyn bottling company, and I'm not even sure if it's distributed outside of NYC and the boros.This is the godfather of that creamy Starbucks-in-a-bottle-coffee-to-go-crap crap. Ultra thick, ultra sweet, mildy carbonated espresso. Mmm, mm delicious. When we were kids, it was a big treat when your parents gave you a few sips of this sugar-rush-in-a-bottle. You could only get it in the salumerias and lattticinis, or some of the more old-world pizza places. Now that my old neighborhood is no longer predominately Italian, it's getting harder and harder to find, to the point that many people believed the company went out of business.However... it still exists and we found it!! Find some and drink it! Heh. A piece of Brooklyn history ;) Manhattan Special

Alright mn...

Alright mnot particularly well written, but I wanted to write it down before I forget anything.I made out with a girl tonight!I've kissed girls before, but never seriously kissed any.Anyway. Ej invited me to his apartment to hang out, watch some movies, whatever, and there were already a few people there wathcing Old School. He was sitting on the couch when Mike let me in, a girl with her head on his knee. What the fuck? Sure, we both hook up with other people, but not in front of each other, and that annoyed me. Being cranky, I ignored him and sat with Mike on the other couch. He waited about twenty minutes before he finally came over, sat next to me and kissed my neck by way of hello. I continued ignoring him. (Did I mention I was cranky?) He started laughing and asked me to come in the kitchen with him. I agreed and we made our way in, picking our way around all the people strewn on the couches and cushions on the floor. He went to the fridge and pulled out a few beers, opening one and handing it to me, acting completely unperturbed. In fact, it was more like he was grinning like the cat who got the canary, until I finally had to ask him what he was plotting. "You know how we keep saying we're gonna have a threesome?" he asked finally.I raised my eyebrows at him, and he continued "and how you keep saying you want to make out with a chick?" I remained quiet, waiting to see where he was going, and he walked closer, leaning on me, and said "and how you keep saying you want me to find the girl?" I started to smile, seeing what his point was finally, and he smiled with me then said "What do you think of Grace?" I asked if that was the girl sitting on the floor, and he answered that I knew that already. I looked back out into the living room at her, still curled up on the floor near where he had been sitting. She was small, like me, but that's where the similarities ended. Her hair was dark and cut short and layered, just long enough to be pulled back into a spiky ponytail. She was definitely cute, but now that she was sitting there, I was nervous. I asked if they had talked about it already, and he said that they had, but he hadn't specifically mentioned me in case I backed out. I asked if he'd fucked her yet, and he told me once, awhile ago, but that they hook up on occasion, and she knows all about me. So we went back in the living room and sat near her, watching movies as other people drifted in and out, and ej fed me more and more alcohol. She looked up at me a few times, the first few times I couldn't meet her eyes. Eventually we started making eye contact, and it kept getting longer and longer, Ej sitting next to me and looking on like a proud papa. Eventually the three of us ended up in his room, ostensibly to let him show us this webpage he'd found. Heh. We ended up watching Homestar Runner. Out of the blue, he asked her if he'd ever told her about the night he and I both kissed my friend Kerry. She looked at with big green eyes and asked if I kissed girls regularly. I told her no, and asked her the same. She shook her head and smiled shyly, looking away, and watching that facial expression was like looking at myself. Ej watched both of us for a minute, then started telling her about that night, how he'd kissed me, then Kerry, then pulled us both together to kiss him at the same time. She turned back to the computer and didn't say anything, and it was both a relief and disappointment, thinking that she had changed her mind, either wasn't into kissing a girl or kissing me. Ej looked at me, shrugged and pulled me into him, kissing me. I watched her out of the corner of my eye and saw her turn, look up at us. He continued kissing me, deepening it, deliberately pulling away so you could see our tongues between us, then pulled me closer again, ending the kiss with a smooch and pulling away. We both turned to look at Grace, and he asked her softly if she wanted to be kissed as well. She didn't answer and he moved closer to her. I'm shy, but shyness in other people makes me bold, makes me want to take control. I watched her for a few more seconds, then said "Gracie. Kiss Ej.". She looked at me, startled I think, to realize I was telling her to kiss my boy. She looked back at him, his face inches from hers, and complied. I moved back to give them room and sat on the bed, watching the guy I fuck kissing another girl. Watched his hands do things to her that they do to me, run over the back of her head, tangle through her hair, caress her cheek, he was kissing her for all he was worth. They finally broke apart and he came and sat next to me, asking if I was okay. There were butterflies in my stomach, nervous butterflies, still not sure if anything beyond that would happen. His lips were still damp from kissing her and I wanted to lick them, so I did. Leaned foward and drew the tip of my tongue along his upper lip and back, then across the bottom. He sat still and let me, eyes closed, barely breathing. When I pulled away he smiled and said "nice", looking in my eyes, almost as if we were alone. The mood was impossibly tense in the room, all three of us treading lightly, not sure where anything was going. He patted the bed next to him and told Grace to come and over and sit, that she looked lonely. When she did, he put an arm around each of us and pulled us backwards down onto his bed, laughing, trying to change the atmosphere, joking about having a beautiful girl on each side and no camera. He started tickling me then, then her, back and forth, until all three of us were rolling around laughing, and rough housing. He stood when we started getting loud and turned the stereo on before diving back on the bed, where it became Grace and I against him, tickling him mercilessly. He'd pin one of us and the other would "save" us from him, pulling him off. It was one of those moments, with me pinned and her pulling him off from behind that he ended up on the floor, tangled in the blankets, landing on his ass in this impossibly contorted position, grace half on top of him. I laid on my stomach, looking over the edge of the bed at them, and somehow, Grace and I made eye contact. And it was almost instantaneous, we both stopped laughing and it was utterly silent, except for us panting and Jay z from the stereo. I think we did it at the same time, both of us leaning closer to each other, not looking away, and at some point I realized I was breathless, not from the wrestling, but from the anticipation of what was about to happen. We were a mere breath apart when Ej, from the floor, finally groaned "oh come on, just fucking kiss her already!" We both stopped and glared at him, and he had the good grace to flush and look away. She looked back to me then, and told me she was jealous, that she'd never kissed a girl before. I answered that I hadn't either, hadn't ever really kissed a girl myself, and we both stopped again, both of us unsure where to go, I think. Finally I just thougt, "oh, fuck it", and kissed her on the lips, no tongue, just a quick kiss, and pulled her back to gauge her reaction. She smiled and kissed me, her lips lingering a little longer before pulling away, and we went back and forth a few times, kissing softly. Uor mouths were opening more and more each time, the kisses wetter, the breaks getting shorter, until instead of pulling away, we both turned our heads and switched angles. She parted her lips the same time I did, our tongues sliding together and I lost my breath, in awe at what I was doing. The kiss was brief, I ended it to catch my breath, looking at her, completely oblivious to Ej, still on the floor by where she knelt. She swallowed, her throat clicking, and crawled up on the bed besides me. I looked down at Ej and found him watching avidly, quietly, urging me with his eyes to do it again, and I obliged, finding her lips again. The second kiss was deeper and more sure, and I found her hands on my hips, not quite sliding around my waist but pulling me closer.Slowly we started to run with the kiss, pressing closer and closer until I could feel her breasts again mine, ran my hand over her soft cheek. We paused again, breaking the kiss as Ej got off the floor and went to sit in the desk chair, turning the lights off as he went. We both giggled nervously, then like little kids with a new toy, went back to kissing each other, braver in the dark. She kissed my neck and I returned the favor, smelling the clean scent of her shampoo and perfume, thinking how nice it was to make out with someone who smelled so good. And slowly the idea was dawning on me that I wanted to feel her up, I wanted to play with her breasts and see what it was like. And I had to laugh, because now I knew what it felt like to be a guy, and wondered if it would be okay, and how to go about doing it. She heard me laugh under my breath and asked what was funny, and after hesitating a minute, I told her what I was thinking, about being a guy, and she laughed with me. Her lips found mine again, then pulled away and said "but I won't stop you, like I would stop a guy". My heart stopped as I realized what she had said, and what I had said I wanted to do. I couldn't make myself do it at first, couldn't bring my hand to touch her, scared. The bed creaked then as Ej came and sat, then said "I'm sorry. If you're feeling her up, I gotta see. I've been so good". To cover how scared I was, I leaned over and kissed him. He almost immediately grabbed my breast and squeezed, then reached over and did the same to her, kissing her and squeezing her breast, his other hand still on mine. With that hand he took mine, spread my fingers, and placed it very gently on her other breast, still kissing her, his fingers riding mine, squeezing them together, making me feel the firmness of her breast, her nipple hardening against my palm. She looked down and gasped softly, all three of us watching my hand on her, until Ej pulled his away and sat back. I continued touching her, now that the inital moment was past, getting braver, more curious, finally pinching her nipple like I would pinch my own, flicking my thumb across it, my hands shaking. She came closer and kissed me then, and I felt her hand come up my body and touch me, doing the same, catching my nipple and pinching it, rolling my whole breast in her palm, squeezing. Ej came up behind me and kissed my neck, his hands coming around and squeezing Gracie's, using her hands to touch me like he would. I leaned back against him, my head on his shoulder as she leaned back, only looking down as he started to unbutton my shirt. We both protested at the same time and he stopped with only the top one undone and started to plead his case, how he was dying to see her suck on my nipples, that it would make him impossibly happy and horny to see it. Neither of us outright said no, but neither of us agreed to it. He told her to lean foward and she did, he kissed her, both of them on my shoulder, and I turned my head to look. As I did, he put his hand on the back of my head and pulled me into the kiss, the three of us making out, our tongues mingling. Gracie and I made out for a little while longer, but neither of us were ready to go much further. She left shortly after, leaving Ej and I alone in his room. The second she closed the door behind her, he was stripping out of his pants, coming towards me on the bed, undressing as he came. I knelt and pulled my shirt off as he got to me, pushing me over backwards kissing me, then sitting up and pulling my jeans off, his finger plunging into my panties, then he laughed happily as he discovered that I was as wet as if I'd been fucking. He drove his fingers into me, fingerbanging me as I fumbled through his wallet for condom, then fucked me hard and fast, both of us cumming impossibly fast. I screamed his name as I came. We fucked again minutes later, we fucked three times before we were both completely satisfied and worn out, Gracie lingering between us. And it was good.

yay for cool surveys!

Taken from culturalbaggageSuggest to me:1. A movie.2. A book.3. A musical artist, song, or album.4. An LJ user not on my friends list.5. Something to do in the next two months; something daring or adventuresome.And my recommendations for you guys would be:1. My Life with Michael Keaton2. Fierce Invalids Home From Hot Climates - Tom Robbins or Cosmic Trigger - Robert Anton Wilson or Slander by Anne Coulter3. The Planets4. scathedobsidian5. Whitewater rafting!

want some cheese to go with that whine?

My throat hurts :(::whines::::curls in a ball and pouts::I thought I was going to be better by today. Now I'm worse. Bleh.And I was supposed to go skiing on Saturday :(