you're such a wanker!

I was laying in bed the other night, tossing and turning in a fit of caffeine-withdrawal and general pissiness induced insomnia, and I had a thought. "You know, thank God for the "Send Later" feature on AOL mail." That feature has saved me much embarrasment, and has gone a good way towards the ultimate goal of making me look far less pathetic than I really am. Simply put, those 3am missives you sometimes just have to write look terribly sad and pitiable in the cold light of day, and make far less sense to send than they did five hours previously. Now if I was using my other mail programs, such as mail.com, or yahoo, or hotmail, it would just be "Bink! Your mail has been sent to bigfatjerk@i'maloser.com"(in a Strongbad voice, no less), or some such variation of that.Now, I roll out of bed, read what seemed to be me telling someone they're a moron in eloquent terms, and click another button, and instead, hear Homestar gleefully announcing "Baleted!"(Is it sad that I hear cartoons in my head? Probably) Because seriously, a few times I've gone with that first instinct to let people know exactly how I'm feeling when I'm feeling it, and it's just never worked out for the best. But I have found some other ways to take out my aggression. Some of you might have seen my away message the other night. "Fuck you and the horse you rode in on. Really. Fuck you" That made me feel really good in a passive-aggressive way. You have to read that with a lot of vehemence behind it, really put some force behind the second "Fuck you". Maybe add a hand gesture, maybe point a finger at whoever you're talking about(or your computer screen, or maybe the mirror, wherever you happen to talk to yourself), and a snarly face. And a decisive nod when you're done speaking. Ahhh. That feels good. Another good passive aggressive angry remark would be, "But what the FUCK were you thinking? What the hell was going through your mind?"And then assume a teacherly, waiting-for-an-answer demeanor. Make sure there is scorn written on your face. Maybe cross your arms and smirk. I find this works well with freshmen, and people who have misunderestimated you and your intelligence. (misunderestimated being a brand new conjuction consisting of misunderstood and underestimated, and meaning "when you are evaluated as a complete and total mental midget)There's a few more. There are certain people I would love to scoff at and call a wanker. As in "Man, you think you're hot shit, but you're just a wanker". (I just snorted by the way, cause that word is FUNNY).Sometimes vulgarity just can't express the true depth of the emotions, and I've found that a well-articulated "Jerk!" when spat with the right amount of vehemence, can be just as scathing as anything else. Anyway, I was reading one of my well-composed letters this morning to someone who really pissed me off, and I realized that a wonderful summary would be:Dear so-and-so,I thought you were cool. But really, you're just a big fat wanker. I'd love to know what the FUCK was going through your mind, and what made you think I was dumb enough to fall for it. In closing, fuck you, man. Really. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on. Jerk. Sincerely,Someone who's much smarter than you think And just like that, aah. Most of my aggression is gone. "Send later" or blogging to me is sort of the typed equivalent of counting to 10.Besides, I've found that my insults are much more scathing when read, seeing how in an argument, I tend to stutter, lose my train of thought, and make statements that make zero sense. I also can't string together a cohesive insult on the fly, most of the time. Whenever I try, I'm reminded of the argument my ex and I got into, when he got so splutteringly, ragingly angry at me that he pointed at me and yelled "You know what? You're such a .. such a... you're such a head!!!" Mental midget. True, he did call me the antichrist once, a good insult, but probably a bit over the top. (Note to self: calling someone a "head" in the heat of an argument just tends to make them laugh. )Anyhow. It's WAY more fun to write entries like this. Heh. Words I want to start using more often include snarky, sassy and wanker. By the way, telling someone they "think they're hot shit" is far more amusing than you might think.